put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
