god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
