Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
