if you like me you must not know who I am
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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