hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
worst night to have a conscience
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
