i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
