Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
