Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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