His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My bed is full of blood and feathers
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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