so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
