dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The best revenge is premature balding
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you will always have a special place in my vag
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
