Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just gargled with NyQuil
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
