I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
