A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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