Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
