Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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