I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
