Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
