After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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