No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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