My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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