And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
