Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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