i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
