you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
