i already hear my dad disowning me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
