he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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