cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
