It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
