i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
