I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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