Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
