I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
