Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
