I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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