I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The struggles of a small town man whore
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
