I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
