Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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