I cut my penus on the lid.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
