there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
