oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
