She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
