What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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