this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
