You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
