Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
