My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
