I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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