Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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