There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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